My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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