smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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