There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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