oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
