this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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