i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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