Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
