yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
