If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
