i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
