he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
