My liver just broke up with me...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
