Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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