i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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