This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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