Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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