why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
