DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
