tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
