I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
