i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Boobs speak an international language.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
