It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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