remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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