matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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