Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
