Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My penis needs a shock collar
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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