I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
