Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
