I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
