The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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