Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
