i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize