Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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