Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize