I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
