No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
