Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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