i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
