Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
