i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
