god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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