My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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