I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just cropdusted the office
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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