i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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