Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
