help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
