Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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