yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
