I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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