when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
