Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
