he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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