You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
