I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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