You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
