I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
