I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
