do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
