I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
