Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
