why didn't you poke me back
420 ftw
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Pants are for mortals
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
