he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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