Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
