oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
